


Lord Voldemort and the Demon Emelem

by SilverShroud



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Death Eaters, Gen, multi-level marketing, pyramid schemes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:07:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24437161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverShroud/pseuds/SilverShroud
Summary: Lord Voldemort discovers a dark and terrible way to spread destruction and misery among the Wizarding World.“…and we get to create our own vision and role in the organisation. I’m in on the ground floor this time, Narcissa, it’s going to be the one. I can feel it.”Narcissa Malfoy fixed her husband with a look of disapproval and folded her arms. “Oh you have NOT gone and joined one of those ridiculous pyramid schemes again, Lucius?”
Comments: 5
Kudos: 28





	Lord Voldemort and the Demon Emelem

Potter had escaped from him in the Graveyard. That was a serious failing on behalf of his Death Eaters and a poor beginning to his new plans for world domination. But it was no matter; Lord Voldemort had learned from his previous mistakes and had had thirteen long years of brooding to concoct his new plan.

It was a Muggle idea true, but it had merit. It was both extremely evil and extremely effective, two of his favourite things. Some Muggles even worshipped it as the Demon Emelem

“This is how it will work.” He said, tapping his wand imperiously against the Muggle whiteboard he had forced Wormtail to steal on his behalf. “I will have thirteen Death Eaters, no more and no less.”

“Yes, My Lord,” squeaked Wormtail, cowering pitifully. Wormtail would never make his targets, this Voldemort knew, but he was a useful sounding board. “How will we gain control of the Ministry and the country with only thirteen Wizards, My Lord?”

“Do you doubt, Wormtail?” Voldemort spat. “Never doubt, doubt will lead to failure and we must always have a positive mindset towards our work.”

“No, My Lord, I am the most positive, the most dedicated…” Wormtail trailed off as Voldemort continued to scribble on the board.

“Each Death Eater,” Voldemort said triumphantly, “must recruit, train and control their own followers and lead their own Cults who will worship both the leader and me. Then, below them each of their followers will again recruit their own followers. If they do this then I will grant them power and status over others. I will become the Lord and Master of all the Wizards in Britain with a feared army of dedicated followers.”  
“But, My Lord,” Wormtail frowned, “surely after even only four levels of recruitment we will need more recruits than there are Wizards in the cou…”

“Obliviate.” Voldemort said irritably. This might be more difficult than he had first anticipated.

*

“You have all been given an amazing opportunity,” Voldemort began, attempting a smile at the circle of terrified Death Eaters before him. “If you work hard and grow our organisation then you will reap ten times what you put in.”

“We recruit, My Lord?” Antonin Dolohov said hesitantly. “What incentives do we give them?”

“Tell them that they can join the inner circle and stand where you stand now. If they recruit and train more followers than you then, who knows, maybe they will take your place.”

“My Lord,” Antonin scrambled forward, bowing and scraping. “I am loyal.”

“I am sure you are,” Voldemort smiled thinly, “now you will just have to prove it with hard work and results. No more cursing people in the dark. They must want to join us.”

“I have seen how this can work, My Lord,” came Lucius Malfoy’s excited voice. “I myself have already taken a similar chance on a simply wonderful line of Haircare products.” He tossed his sheet of sleek blonde hair and smirked. “Can I interest you in joining my team? I’m sure you’d enjoy using the products yourself…”at that moment Lucius seemed to realise to whom he was speaking and exactly what he was speaking about. Voldemort watched the man’s gaze flick up to take in his Master’s bald, shining scalp and felt a certain vicious satisfaction as Malfoy fell suddenly and totally silent.

“Haircare products, Lucius? For me?” 

Someone sniggered. Voldemort cast the killing curse in the general direction of the sound without even looking around.

“We-we have some excellent scalp care products f-f-for dry skin or razor burn…” Lucius always did have to push it, didn’t he?

“I do not wish to join in your petty money-making schemes Lucius. I am giving you all the chance to change your lives, to have power beyond anything you imagined. 

“But what do we tell them, My Lord?” Snape murmured, hauling Crabbe Senior’s lifeless body aside.

The answer was simple. “You tell them that the first person to recruit 13 followers of their own can take Crabbe’s place. And if any of you fail me or prove to be less than completely dedicated to your work then I may offer the same opportunity to them. Go forth, my Death Eaters and spread the message of the Dark Side of – wait that one is taken. Spread the message of the positive benefits of Occulte Magicke and the worship of Emelem to the hair, skin, style and pocket of the Pureblooded community.”

*  
All over the country the Death Eaters returned home from the strange gathering to their waiting families.

Malfoy Manor was a scene of complete domestic harmony as an attentive and loving wife listened closely to her handsome and savvy husband.

“…and we get to create our own vision and role in the organisation. I’m in on the ground floor this time Narcissa, it’s going to be the one. I can feel it.”

Narcissa Malfoy fixed her husband with a look of disapproval and folded her arms. “Oh you have NOT gone and joined one of those ridiculous pyramid schemes again, Lucius?”

“Of course not, dear, the Dark Lord has clearly explained that our success will be…”

“He wants you to recruit a team doesn’t he?”

“Ah – well…”

“Lucius, the West Wing is still COMPLETELY full of Xenophilius Lovegood’s Pretentious Peacock Potion. You spent all of my Aunt’s legacy on it. Even with you, me and Draco all using it we’ll be hip deep in hair dye for a century at least.”

“Yes, Dear…but this will be different. You could be on my team…we’re not supposed to recruit family but I’m sure I can swing it so that…”

“No. No Lucius I forbid you to do any recruiting or spending. The hair-dye I suppose I can live with since it’s done and it does have some uses. I wouldn’t want anyone knowing Draco is…” her voice dropped to a horrified whisper “…ginger. But the rest of it I won’t stand for.”

*

At Hogwart’s School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Severus Snape was giving his report to the leader of the Order of the Phoenix.

Dumbledore sighed and reached for a second glass of Firewhiskey. “Severus I really do think you have missed the point of being a double-agent.” 

“Of course, I haven’t.” Snape’s eyes were alert with enthusiasm. “You would swear loyalty to me and I would share my power with you. If you do well enough then we might even recruit you into the inner circle of the organisation itself.”

“I ask again,” Dumbledore said patiently. “Why would I want to join Lord Voldemort’s inner circle, Severus?” 

“For the opportunity! You have the energy and dedication to replace even me if you work enough and keep a positive vision in mind.”

“Are you quite sure you haven’t been confunded?”

“He said you would be like this,” Snape rounded on Dumbledore. “He said that people would be jealous and mock our decisions to make the leap to becoming a Small Cult leader.”

“It seems that Lord Voldemort is no longer content with the simple evils of murder and treachery.” Dumbledore said gravely, “now he has plumbed even greater depths of depravity and decided to turn his followers into worshippers of the Demon Emelem.”

“It’s direct sales,” Snape protested weakly, “we bring the Wizarding community the dark spells and control they want and in return we offer them the chance to do the same for their family.”

“And you believe that your colleagues and students would want to use dark spells? Why would any of us pay for an overpriced book of dark spells when there is a whole library here in the School?”

Severus Snape blinked and scowled. “It – it all made sense when he explained it. It seemed easy.”

“You would not be a Small Cult Leader, Severus. You would be working for Lord Voldemort and all of your efforts would benefit him.”

*  
Recently released from Azkaban and with all her family fortune tied up in frozen Ministry Monitored Accounts, Bellatrix Lestrange had found house-room with her sister Narcissa.

“I’m afraid you’ll have to move the boxes of Grimoire Moste Darke,” Narcissa was saying apologetically. “Lucius has joined one of his mad schemes again I’m afraid and has ordered several hundred Occulte Magicke boxes from the Dark Lord. I don’t know why, it’s not like we don’t have our own Black Library right here.”

“Oh, dear Sister,” laughed Bellatrix, “at least it’s not hair-dye this time.” She looked interestedly at the boxes. “What exactly is the scheme?”

It didn’t take Bellatrix long to see an opportunity for what it was, her dark little Slytherin soul knew and loved the chance to make a fast buck off screwing someone else over. Lucius Malfoy was, at first ecstatic to find himself with his first recruit however this swiftly turned to irritation and then fear of being upstaged when that same recruit swiftly and ruthlessly set about Fire-calling her way through his entire Floo-list.

“Bellatrix, did you contact my fifth cousin in Austria about the Organisation?”

“But of course, dear Brother,” Bellatrix grinned dangerously. “I assumed this was the reason you had left your Floo list out for me to see.”

“I…” Lucius looked awkward. “I had already tried to speak to him of it. He seemed to find the whole thing funny.”

“The Organisation is not funny, dear Brother. Perhaps if you had followed the instructions laid down for us by the Dark Lord himself then you might have had more success.”

“What…what do you mean?”

“Your cousin Hans was very keen to purchase my wares,” Bellatrix licked her full lips and gave Lucius a mocking smile. “My vision board must be more clearly aligned with that of the Dark Lord than yours, Lucius.”

*

Lord Voldemort had been carefully watching the progress of his Death Eaters. Wormtail was by far the worst, claiming that his criminality and lack of courage hampered him in his ability to become Dark Lord of his own Small Cult. Voldemort personally saw this as a lack of effort on Wormtail’s part.

Lucius as always had spent all the money up front. His Wife said nothing and would say nothing for she knew better. Voldemort didn’t care, that money would fund his own plans for Evil even if Lucius now had thousands of galleons in unusable occult objects.

Snape seemed to be his most complete believer. He had managed to establish a Small Cult in Slytherin House with himself as an Apprentice Dark Lord. Still, all his followers were children and one of them was Lucius’ own son who, Lord Voldemort was sure, would have fallen into the cult sooner or later anyway.

Bellatrix, his most trusted and feared Lieutenant was outstripping all the rest. She had taken to sending unsolicited Howlers to every witch she had ever known full of glittering yellow faces and pictures dotting every line of text. It was very hard to pronounce ‘😊 ‘ but somehow Bellatrix made it work.

She had also, worryingly, began calling the Organisation her #sidecult, even pronouncing the strange occult mark in conversation and urging even the House Elves to be ‘Dark Ladies of their own Cults.” 

For the first time Lord Voldemort began to worry that perhaps the Ancient and Terrible Emelem might be a darker evil than even he, Master of Darkness, had appreciated.


End file.
